Bittersweet

Not my usual kind of post today, but It's been a week full of joy and sadness. I can't seem to escape it when this week rolls around every year. 

Lady and Bug celebrated their 4th birthday (happy birthday little ones!) on Sunday,

 and today we remember our first child.

Several friend have been grieving this week too and this is a topic that isn't talked about often. Pregnancy loss. We keep it hidden, our own personal pain.

The pain is real and we need to talk about it, so today I'm going to talk about mine.

I wish it was a topic that we could talk about more - we need support from others who have survived the grief before us and know how to support those around us who have lost.

 

Today I remember.

Five years ago.

I didn't know how I could go on.

20 weeks and no heartbeat.

This little box. 

Memories of those few months. 

Reminder of a little life. 

I'd let my guard down.

Started to plan. 

The worst words possible, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." 

Confusion, pain, and deep unexplainable sadness. 

Crushed, beyond anything I could have imagined. 

Then began the waiting.

The worst part.

I just wanted the nightmare to be over.

I don't remember much.

Medication to dull the pain. 

That tiny little body

Every little detail was there. 

My little boy.

Goodbye.

Then came the emptiness. 

The pain. 

The anger.

Grieving and waiting.

On his due date, new life again.

"hold on a second, I think I see something else in there" 

"It's TWINS!" 

Excited and scared.

Many weeks of fear.

Many weeks of anticipation.

Two of everything.

Beautiful girl. Beautiful boy.

So tiny and thriving.

Joy. Fear. Joy.

Hello my Chickadees.

Life changed forever.

Busy. Overwhelmed.

Heart healed.

So much love.

5 years later.

Pain is less.

I still remember.

It's never easy.

Happy Birthday little one!

~Adel~