Bittersweet

Not my usual kind of post today, but It's been a week full of joy and sadness. I can't seem to escape it when this week rolls around every year. 

Lady and Bug celebrated their 4th birthday (happy birthday little ones!) on Sunday,

 and today we remember our first child.

Several friend have been grieving this week too and this is a topic that isn't talked about often. Pregnancy loss. We keep it hidden, our own personal pain.

The pain is real and we need to talk about it, so today I'm going to talk about mine.

I wish it was a topic that we could talk about more - we need support from others who have survived the grief before us and know how to support those around us who have lost.

 

Today I remember.

Five years ago.

I didn't know how I could go on.

20 weeks and no heartbeat.

This little box. 

Memories of those few months. 

Reminder of a little life. 

I'd let my guard down.

Started to plan. 

The worst words possible, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." 

Confusion, pain, and deep unexplainable sadness. 

Crushed, beyond anything I could have imagined. 

Then began the waiting.

The worst part.

I just wanted the nightmare to be over.

I don't remember much.

Medication to dull the pain. 

That tiny little body

Every little detail was there. 

My little boy.

Goodbye.

Then came the emptiness. 

The pain. 

The anger.

Grieving and waiting.

On his due date, new life again.

"hold on a second, I think I see something else in there" 

"It's TWINS!" 

Excited and scared.

Many weeks of fear.

Many weeks of anticipation.

Two of everything.

Beautiful girl. Beautiful boy.

So tiny and thriving.

Joy. Fear. Joy.

Hello my Chickadees.

Life changed forever.

Busy. Overwhelmed.

Heart healed.

So much love.

5 years later.

Pain is less.

I still remember.

It's never easy.

Happy Birthday little one!

~Adel~

Toblerone Martini

Happy Mother's Day!

I am in need of a little pampering today. Being a mother is not an easy job. So for all those out there that need a little treat too, I'm sharing my favourite martini recipe with you. Take a few moments to yourself and have a tasty drink.

Toblerone Martini

1 oz. Kahlua (coffee liqueur)

1 oz. Frangelico (hazelnut liqueur)

1 oz. Bailey's (irish cream)

2 oz. Cream

1 Tbsp Honey

Chocolate Syrup

Ice

Combine Kahlua, Frangelico, and Bailey's with cream, a dash of chocolate syrup and honey in a shaker with ice. Mix well and strain into a martini glass. 

Add a chocolate design in the glass for that extra chocolatey kick.

Enjoy!

~Adel~

Mommy Retreat

As a mother, sometimes I give too much - give until there's nothing left.

Everything makes me angry or sad or I just totally shut down and don't feel anything any more.

This was my week.

I know I'm not the only mother or caregiver out there that feels this - I'm sure it's a pretty safe bet to say that every one who has the responsibility of caring for others feels this way at some point in their career (whether paid or unpaid)...maybe it's just occasionally, or maybe it's every day...all day. Some of us are better at taking care of ourselves than others, but we all face this point sometimes.

I'm trying to learn to take care of myself, but it's hard - I'm a giver - I love to help people and sometimes I'm the one that pays the price. The demands of life and the availability of life-giving activities that interest me during the "off times" (oh ya, what are those??) have made it difficult to find quality ME time. It usually ends up being an evening in front of the TV with a glass of wine, wishing I had the energy to go join a group, go to the gym or socialize with other adults. It almost never actually happens.

This time when I started to go nuts, I managed to find a chunk of time where everyone I am responsible for had other care and I took my opportunity to sneak away to a local place that refreshes me.

I got a massage, pedicure, soaked in the hot pools, walked along the beach & went out for dinner at a lovely Thai place ALL BY MYSELF! I don't think I've ever done anything like this alone before, so I have to say it was a bit intimidating at first, but I gathered up the courage and went.

It was amazing - after about 5 hours of "me time" I felt like a whole new woman. I smiled. Yup, those muscles have been so tired lately, I don't think they even knew what to do, but I smiled and it was natural!

I am doing this again and I'm encouraging other mothers and caregivers out there to take a retreat for yourself every once in a while to recharge those caring batteries.

Take some time for yourself, do something just for you, and remind yourself that you're a real person too!

~Adel~